What Could have Been

chasing the moments that slipped through our grasp

Note: As always, I may start rambling and/or talking to myself, I still hope you enjoy :’)

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They linger there, just beyond reach.

A breath, a thought, an inkling of something that almost was. There was a time when they felt closer; when something sparked in every glance exchanged, every word left unsaid.

I could almost feel the opportunities; caress them, cradle them, cherish them. Yet, they slipped away, like sand sifting through my fingers.

I wish I could witness them—even just for a fleeting second—so that maybe my mind would quiet down for a while.

If only. Maybe. What if. These thoughts take up so much space in my mind that it’s hard to think sometimes. They taunt me in the periphery, inviting yet devastatingly unattainable.

And yet, there’s an odd comfort in them as well; an unfinished story, if you will.

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There are moments when you share a knowing glance with someone, an electric spark that feels like it could light up the room, yet fizzles away before it can even fully ignite.

You feel alive, however, painfully aware of what remains out of reach. ‘Let life run its course,’—What if I don’t want to? What if that one small choice, so seemingle insignificant that you almost don’t even notice it at first, could change you as a person? (And while I myself don’t experience it too much myself,) I assume that’s why people face decision paralysis.

“It's like trying to start a fire with matches in the snow // Where you can't seem to hold me, can't seem to let me go.” - Vampire Empire by Big Thief

It’s always about what you did or didn’t do. What choice you did or didn’t make. What if I’m not ready to make that choice? The clock is ticking. You don’t have all the time in the world, neither do I, nor does anyone else. But that decision still has to be made; a path still has to be taken. And I hate that for me. Sometimes, I just want to be trapped in that deliberation state. I feel like a small child whining over what flavour of ice cream to choose: I’m aware that maybe not every decision I make is going to be as important later on as I make it out to be, but in that point in time, it sure does seem like it.

‘I should have just put in a little more effort, spent a little more time on that assignment. Maybe I would have gotten full marks.’—Who knows? Maybe you would have. Does it matter now? Come back to me later when you’ve invented a time machine so we can actually do something about it.

This feeling often resurfaces in friendships-to-be. A ‘friend crush’—As I’ve seen some people online refer to it as—is someone you want to get to know, but feel to shy, awkward, (or whatever else it is holding you back) to actually take a step forward and extend a simple hello. Many a time I’ve experienced this, and many a time I’ve regretted it, too. It’s a recurring thing, the knowledge that something is in the realm of possibility yet somehow still so far away.

The red threads of fate that connect us (however loosely) to these almosts can get tangled, twisting around you, constricting. The more you struggle, the more pressure it applies on your skin. They find their way to your heart, squeezing it so tightly that every pulse send rivulets of agony coursing through your bloodstream. Captivation. Frustration. Hesitancy. In this entanglement you yearn for a steady gulp of air, clarity amidst this predicament. You know you should cut the threads loose, but you can’t. It is physically painful to be so blatantly aware of their existence yet not being able to do anything about them.

Eventually, you’ll learn that trying to cope with them isn’t really about completely cutting them off—it’s more about learning to sit with them, allowing them to exist without letting them destroy you from the inside out. You can’t always force closure or make sense of every single missed opportunity.

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