Fault Lines

the endless reach for something that was never really there to begin with

note: when I say ‘You’, I’m actually referring to myself.

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Who told me I needed to always be right?

I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do. This constant irresistable craving to never be proven wrong. To never have to bear the weight of doubt over my shoulders.

But isn’t being perfect a weight of its own?

I’ve been told allowing yourself to make mistakes is freeing, so why don’t I want to be free? Why am I making this so much harder for myself then it has to be?

What is wrong with me?

I’m a tightrope walker, feeling the judgment pressing down on me from every pair of eyes in the crowd. Each misstep could send me crashing to the ground. The applause is like shackles, trapping me in a cycle of perfectionism, as I long for the freedom to stumble and waver as I so please.

Yet here I am, still balancing on the edge.

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We’ve all been there—caught in the relentless cycle of wanting to be perfect and fearing what happens if we aren’t. And if you haven’t felt that pressure, consider yourself lucky.

As I touched on in my last post, part of this desire comes from cultural/familal expectations. Even if no one says it outright, you start to feel that you’re supposed to match, or even surpass, that level of perfection you see in your siblings, cousins, or others around you. It becomes less about your personal goals and more about proving your worth to relatives, making sure you’re the one who makes them proud. And the fear of failing and becoming a disappointment can be paralyzing, making it harder to give yourself the space to make mistakes, let alone learn from them.

‘No, you can't risk falling off your throne’ (lyr) - Little Miss Perfect

I’m sure you’ve heard it a thousand times by now: ‘Don’t let the Social media trends get to you’. But it’s never really that simple when everywhere you look, it seems like everyone has their life all figured out, and trends like the "that girl" aesthetic just add to the pressure. You know; the posts where someone’s waking up at 5 am, doing yoga or pilates first thing in the morning, eating granola while watching the sunrise, and somehow making everything look effortless. It’s hard not to compare yourself and wonder why you’re not like that—why you don’t have it all figured out. The fear of not being enough makes it harder to shake off mistakes because you feel like everyone’s watching, judging, even if they aren’t. The constant highlight reels make it easy to forget that nobody actually lives that perfect life, but it still feels like you’re falling short.

This desire to be right doesn’t just take a toll on your physical wellbeing—it messes up your mental health. It sits in the back of your head, reminding you that any mistake could ruin everything (even if you logically know it probably won’t). You overthink every little thing, replaying conversations in your head, second-guessing yourself 24/7. And eventually you end up feeling drained; you know can’t keep up with this anymore, but you keep pushing yourself because the idea of being wrong feels unbearable. Unacceptable. It becomes a continuous replaying of ‘I don’t want to seem weak’, but at the same time ‘I don’t think I can live on like this for much longer.'—no matter how hard you try, the fear of failure keeps piling up until you’re completely burned out. But instead of giving yourself a break, you just blame yourself for not being able to handle it. According to you, it’s always going to be because of your own shortcomings, never because you’re tired or just need to rest before re-trying.

And that’s the hardest part. You convince yourself that you can’t afford to rest; that you should just try harder, push through. ‘Fight through the pain’ is what they always say. Eventually you’ll get it, right? But deep down, you wonder if you’re reaching for something that has always been out of reach.

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